The Fourth of July is here. Grills are being fired up, fireworks are in stock, and our annual backyard celebrations are in full swing. Space is limited, and only the best drinking buddies get an invite. With that in mind, here are some video game characters that would make our guest list.
God of War series
Drink of Choice: Guinness
You’d think Kratos would just murder everyone in a drunken rage, but I think if everyone limits conversation topics with him, it’ll be just fine. Don’t mention how he was ordered to be executed on the day of his birth, avoid bringing up his brother Demos at all, and whatever you do, definitely don’t talk about how he killed his own wife and daughter in a fit of blind rage. That is, unless you want him to kill you in a fit of blind rage. I’ve prepared some safe conversation topics. How does he avoid getting beer froth in his beard? How is his son, Atreus, doing in little league? Does Atreus get along with Calliope…and we’re back to the sore spot.
Drink of Choice: Scotch
Every good celebration has the guy who brings cigars. He’d probably smoke them all himself, but at least we’d get to enjoy the aroma and his damningly tasteful profanity.
Gears of War series
Drink of Choice: Coors Light
He’s so cold, we won’t even need a cooler.
Jak and Daxter series
Drink of Choice: “This purple stuff”
Every party needs “more dancin’, more mac’n, more women.”
Lara Croft and Nathan Drake
Tomb Raider and Uncharted series
Nathan’s Drink of Choice: Long Island Iced Tea
Lara’s Drink of Choice: Longer Island Iced Tea
A true party isn’t complete without the perpetual one-up contest between two guests. “I discovered Shangri-La.” “Shangri-La? More like Shangri-La Dee Da. I found Excalibur.” “Excalibur? More like Excalibore.” This would go on for the rest of the night.
Drink of Choice: Gin and Tonic
With “Cheers, love!” as one of her prominent catchphrases, Tracer is pretty much a walking toast. Beyond her energetic and good-natured personality, Tracer brings another huge benefit to the party: time control. Left the burgers on the grill too long? She’ll Recall until that meat is perfectly tender. Someone spills their drink? She can Blink right over and catch it. Never worry about a party foul again. Want everyone to go home because it’s 2 am, you’ve got work in the morning, and the treasure hunter guests have been one-upping each other for 6 hours straight? Her Pulse Bomb will blow everyone out of your backyard and into your neighbors’ yards! Their problem now.
Drink of Choice: A virtual Cosmopolitan
I have a theory that Cortana’s rampancy was all made up and she was just struggling with cybernetic alcoholism. This is a perfect opportunity to test that theory.
Super Mario series
Drink of Choice: Chocolate Milk
He’s constantly being overshadowed by his brother, so I’d probably give him a pity invite. He really needs this one.
Super Smash Bros. series
Drink of Choice: Hand Sanitizer
Great addition to any party. He can hold your drink while you go to the bathroom without you having to worry about him sip stealing. I hear he gets handsy when he’s drunk.
Drink of Choice: Single-malt whisky when you’re looking, Mike’s Hard Lemonade when you’re not
I would love to get a beer with Cave Johnson, but no way he would be satiated by some common light beer. Presumably, he would take it upon himself to call the Aperture scientists and test subjects out of the woodwork to produce a microbrew to end all microbrews, calling his new brewing science initiative “Aperture Breweries.” Unfortunately, Mr. Johnson likely wouldn’t live long enough to taste his pinnacle beer, as he would inevitably poison himself while attempting to replace hops with crushed moon rocks.
Aldrich, Devourer of Gods
Dark Souls III
Drink of Choice: Pinot Noir
From his humble beginnings as a simple devourer of humans, Aldrich seems like a poor decision for this list, but let’s not judge a book by its cover. As the founder of the Cathedral of the Deep, Aldrich prophesized that a giant ocean would cover the world at the conclusion of the Age of Fire. Ultimately he had to act as gatekeeper to prevent the dregs of humanity from accessing the powers of the Deep. Obviously, this is just a metaphor for alcohol abuse, and Aldrich is a responsible consumer of beverages. I think every party needs someone as accountable as Aldrich, Devourer of Gods. Also, if I run out of food, he can just eat Kratos…or half of him, I guess.
Final Fantasy VII
Drink of Choice: Appletini
She runs the 7th Heaven bar, and it’s not like I know how to mix drinks. I’m also counting on her to console Kratos if things go south (Aldrich is plan B).
Ash Ketchum’s dad
Drink of Choice: I wouldn’t know
A fascinating, yet mostly absent character that has greatly intrigued me since I was a child. I’d invite him to satisfy my childhood curiosity, but just like in Ash’s life, he probably wouldn’t show up.
Ash Ketchum’s mom
Drink of Choice: Anything, after her husband is brought up in conversation
Look, I’m really just after information about Ash’s dad. No one tell her why she got the invite.
Samus’s Drink of Choice: Champagne
She’ll be the life of the party, not because she’s an intergalactic bounty hunter, but because of the suit. Does it get sweaty in there? How does she go to the bathroom? How long does it take to put on? Can I wear it?
Sly Cooper series
Drink of Choice: Everclear, to light on fire
Someone’s gotta be in charge of the fireworks.
Which characters would you most want to get a drink with and why? Let us know in the comments below!